Custody: Discussions on Visitation

On the first Wednesday of March, I was trying to figure out how to ask for the kids for the weekend. I didn't figure it out. On Thursday, Nate called me and we talked for a while. When we were done talking, Nate handed the phone back to Tiffany. I asked her if I could have the children for the weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Later she texted me and said, "You may have the kids from Friday evening until Sunday after church."

When I went to pick up the kids, Tiffany told me to move out of the house and that she was going to move back in with the kids. I could tell she wasn't in the mood to negotiate so I told her when she was willing to discuss a solution we could both agree on we could talk.

When Tiffany came to pick up the kids at the church I told her that we needed to talk. I asked what the situation was with Nate and school. He had now missed ten of the previous eleven days of school because Tiffany wouldn't take him to school. Tiffany asked if I decided to move out. I said I hadn't completely rejected the idea. (I said this to promote the idea that I was willing to negotiate and hoped she would too.) But I asked if she would consider letting the kids live at home and we take turns living at home. She could live there Monday to Friday and I would live there Friday to Monday. She appeared to be willing to think about it at first but later rejected the idea and didn't give a reason.

On Monday night I texted, "What didn't you like about my suggestion of letting the kids live at home and we take turns staying with the kids? It would make the kids life so much more stable."

She replied, "It would be confusing for the kids. There needs to a clear distinction between time with you and time with me." I don't agree with this but I didn't reply about this because we got off on another topic during which I found out that she unenrolled Nate from school. I thought it was a fair and reasonable compromise. Not as good as Tiffany coming back and trying to work on our marriage like I am.

On Tuesday she texted, "We need to discuss custody." I replied, "Do you want to discuss that today? Through text or on the phone? Chantal suggested we communicate through this site: talkingparents.com/home". She said, "Let's stick with text for now. How about we talk on Friday?"

I said, "What time should I come to pick them up on Friday? I can probably be there near the time that Nate gets off school." I assumed he was back in school but it turned out he still wasn't. She replied, "I would like to keep them this weekend. Is that something you're open to? You could take them again next weekend." I was not happy with this response but in the spirit of negotiation I replied, "Maybe, but you have them all week. Can we split this weekend? I can take them from Saturday dinner to Sunday dinner? That way you have them all of Friday and most of Saturday?"

Her reply sounded arrogant and selfish, "Are you concerned about me? Or do you want to spend time with them? Because I'm doing well." I replied in all honesty, "Well, I want as close to 50/50 custody as is reasonable. So my answer is yes to both." She said, "I'll get back to you by the end of the week." The next day she replied, "I want the kids this weekend." I protested, "That's hardly fair. I want first choice on weekends. Friday dinner to Sunday dinner. I only had them for less than two days last week. Two out of seven is much closer to the desired 50/50 than what your suggesting. I would ask for Thursday night to Monday morning every week if I thought it was practical." She said, "Can I explain why?" I said, "Yes. I would appreciate that."

She explained, "The time that I have them, I'll be working for most of it, and won't have much time for the fun stuff. I'll be responsible for all the school related stuff, and day to day life. While you get to play with them and have fun." I said, "Thank you for clarifying. That makes sense in the long run but do you have a job yet?" I said that makes sense but I didn't like that. "No. But I have an interview." "Tomorrow." "I'm thinking about in the long run..." I thought I could agree so I said, "Ok. I can agree with that. Can I have them every weekend until you start work?" After a couple weeks I'm changing my mind on this. I don't agree. In fact, I'm very soon going to ask to have them twice a week and alternate Saturdays. I think I would still prefer to have first choice on weekends.

She replied, "No. Every other weekend. We might as well get them used to it now." "I don't agree with that. They can get used to it when it's time to get used to it. I want to spend as much time with them as I can. And with all due respect, I don't just play with them. I teach them necessary life skills. I have a responsibility to and for them." "So do I. I want to be able to take them to church too and help them learn the gospel. It's a stewardship we share." While I agree that we should share that stewardship her track record is weak in this. I do commend her for the surface desire. The next weekend Nate told me that they did not do any scripture reading all week.

After calculating when I would need to have them so they could attend their cousin's baby blessing I responded, "I agree that we share that stewardship. Can I have them this weekend and then every other weekend [whether] you have a job or not?" This was a compromised agreement but not my desire. I would still like as close to 50/50 as is reasonable. She replied, "I can agree to that. See you Friday afternoon?" Then we finished the conversation, "Yes. What time does Nathan get off school? And what time do they usually eat dinner these days?" "He's not enrolled yet. I have 30 days, but plan to enroll him tomorrow. Around 6 or 6:30." "I'll plan to be there around 5 and to feed them dinner. I also want to feed them Sunday dinner." "Ok."

As a side note, on March 11th she texted me, "I withdrew Nathan from school today. I have 30 days to re-enroll him. I'll let you know when that's done. I'm moving our church records into the cedar park ward for the time being." Soon after I got a text from the Bishop, "Vince, Tiffany asked me to move the kids records to where she is staying. But I would need approval from you as well to move them. Of course they can attend any ward, so this doesn't determine anything. Should I move them, or should I wait for you to talk to her about this?" I replied, "Not yet. We haven't agreed on custody. Last text I sent her I pleaded to just stay separated and not divorce but she replied, "My mind is made up." Right now I'm trying to see if we can agree on custody arrangements." He replied, "Ok. I'll wait to move the kids." On March 19th she texted, "Now that the kids will be attending church half the time with me, I would like to move their records to my ward." I didn't reply but soon after posted my blog on Spiritual Leadership. I don't plan to send their church records over to her ward for the reasons listed in that blog post.